I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
