I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
