Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
