Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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