How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Shitshow foam night was such a success
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
The ass gains better be worth it
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