our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
