Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
