Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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