I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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