you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
