I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
