I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
