I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
