I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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