my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
