Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I wish there were birth control emojis
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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