Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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