a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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