I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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