The answer is no. Its an illegal search n seizure!
he was CRYING into my vagina
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize