DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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