Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
