I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
