just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
