are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
