Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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