You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize