So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Send help, water and tortillas.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
