that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
