hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize