i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
And my parents said I crawled through the house
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
