I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
