literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
