The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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