Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
