Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
