Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
