Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
