somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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