So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
