I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
