First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
