ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
we're chasing vodka with high fives
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize