Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I have tasted many bathrooms
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
