Someone shit on the floor
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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