Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize