I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
