I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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