I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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