please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
