So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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