this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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