Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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