I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
