Yo dont text me then not text me
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
