Jerry, you need to find god
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize