peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
