Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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