You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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