and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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