I wish I could teleport
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
She made me pour olive oil on her.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
