Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I smell like Dick and happiness
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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