So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
