never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
These tits shall not be calmed
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
